Two Voices.

One of the worst feelings is when you just don’t feel like yourself. You look like you – you’re going to work, putting on a ‘mask’, teaching children (if you’re me) and pretending that you’re the happiest person alive when in reality there’s a battle going on inside your head.

It’s like there are two voices having an argument and the negative, irrational one is winning. Some of you are probably reading this thinking I’ve gone mad. But seriously, how many of you have conversations with yourself in your head – it can’t just be me?!

The first voice is the positive one. It’s logical and rational and gives you the advice you would give to a friend if they were in the same situation or feeling the same way. Mine is usually telling me to stay calm, not to overthink and giving me rational explanations for things.

The second voice is the equivalent of the devil on your shoulder. It sees the worse in every scenario or situation. It’s the voice that makes you convince yourself that you are annoying, frustrating to others, unlovable. It’s the voice that tells you that you don’t have many friends and that the ones you do have don’t have time to listen to your problems. At times that voice can be constant, like when a child is poking or nagging you until you inevitably snap.

Both voices are always there. For me, one is never completely silenced. However, it depends on the day or the week which one is the loudest, which is the strongest and therefore the one I’m going to listen to that day.

Voice #1 – Everything is fine. There isn’t anything to worry about. The thing you’re stressing over isn’t a big deal. It will all sort itself out. You’ve gotten through worse. The hurt won’t last forever. You haven’t done anything wrong – there’s literally nothing to be panicking about.

Voice #2 – Omg stress. Everyone’s annoyed at you. There must be something wrong with you. People always leave. This hurts. What did I do wrong? If I overanalyse every single thing I can remember about a situation then maybe I’ll be able to figure out exactly what went wrong and change it in the future.

The voices can stop me from sleeping properly (imagine trying to sleep with someone shouting or constantly nagging at you – difficult isn’t it) despite the fact that sleep is a source of comfort because you slip into a dream world where lovely things happen. They can also stop you from eating properly. I spoke briefly in my last blog post about eating disorders and how people often restrict their eating to attempt to claw back some feeling of control. Whilst I wouldn’t say that my eating is disordered, I do feel that I can understand those feelings of needing to be in control of different aspects of your life.

Last weekend I felt more anxious than I have done in months. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like you’re moving through thick, sticky treacle to get anything done. It’s like you’re going through the motions and your body is running on autopilot. You’re waking up, getting dressed, brushing your teeth and making food when every fibre of you wants to curl up in bed and not come out or have to face the world. On Sunday morning, I decided I couldn’t bare to stay in bed alone with my own thoughts so I got up, pulled on some leggings, a coat and a cap and walked over the barrage. There’s something about the fresh, crisp air and the beautiful views that quieten voice #2 and make all of the drama seem less significant.

When you feel like this, you want people to understand. You want to explain how you’re feeling but it’s not easy to find the words. For me, I find Pinterest quotes which explain how I feel and save them to my private board. Sometimes, I post one of these quotes to my Instagram story. I always feel like this is a risk as I’m very conscious of seeming like I’m moaning or looking for sympathy. Really, it’s just a way I feel like I can let people know that I’m not okay so to be gentle. When I posted a couple of these at the weekend I got messages back from people checking in, phone calls from lovely friends to distract me and cheer me up. It really made me realise how many people care about me and that was exactly what I needed. So genuinely, if you see anything that indicates that someone isn’t feeling themselves, send them a message even just to let them know you’re there for them. It means more than you’ll know.

There are other ways that I have tried to quieten voice #2:

• I mentioned earlier that I sometimes go for a walk. My advice would be to find a couple of places where you feel calmer or peaceful. I like to go to the pier or over the barrage and just walk and sit for a minute – totally individual to each person.
• In the past I’ve written in a journal before I go to sleep about how I’m feeling. It can be the most trivial things and stops you overthinking by getting your thoughts out onto the page rather than inside your head.
• Something as simple as a hot bubble bath with a few candles. A time where you’re away from social media and can just focus on your breathing/relax. Totally underrated.
• Getting out of the house and speaking to your friends. Laughter is 100% the best medicine. Even if it’s the last thing you want to do, try and force yourself to follow through on your plans or make new ones to simply go for a coffee or food. Even if it’s just for a short time, the distraction and break from routine can trick your brain into being quiet for a short amount of time.

 

I can’t promise that it’ll help straight away or that you’ll wake up tomorrow and voice #2 will have piped right down. However, there are ways you can help yourself to feel better and it’s important to tune into what they are. Don’t let the voices stop you from being yourself or asking for help or support.

*All pictures from Pinterest*